The Beer List, July 2008
For years, I've kept a mental list of celebrities, pseudo-celebrities and sort-of-famous people with whom I'd like to have a beer (read: get knackered) and some interesting conversation.It's not about hotness or star-fucking. It's just about people I see onscreen or online or in the news that make make me go, 'hmm, I think I'd get along with him/her in real life, at least for a little while.' You know what I'm talking about; you just think they get it, or you get them, and that you could probably find a bunch of crap to talk about that has nothing to do with how much you liked their book or movie.
So here is the Top Ten from my Beer List, in some sort of order that's subject to change depending on the next thing any one of them says into a microphone. There are definitely a few more, but not many - famous people are generally wealthy, and wealthy people are generally vapid and irritating beyond reason - and most of the ones not on this list are already dead, making it really tough to bond over a shot of chilled Patron with an icy Modelo back.
Two more things, quickly: One, David Cross and John Swartzwelder are locked in a perennial tie for eleventh place on my Beer List, not because I wouldn't like to hang out with them, but because Cross probably has tons of idiots clamoring to buy him a drink and would just rather be left alone for a while, and Swartzwelder seems like he really doesn't want to hang out with anyone. And two, I know I'm lucky in the drinking partners life has already afforded me - I'd rather have a few off the wood with my fiance, friends, brother-in-law and the guys and girls of the Tampa/St. Petersburg music scene than anyone else in the world.
Click through for the list.
1. Anthony Bourdain.
People give him shit about what they perceive to be his shtick, but Chef Bourdain knows who he is, and what his passions are. Hey Anthony - I can travel abroad without coming off like an asshole, cook and eat like somebody who knows what they're doing, and drink like a Replacement. Hit me up.
2. Johnny Depp.
Depp's acting reflects my own attitudes toward music. He can make obscure and weird feel truly human, and he can bring his own personality to big, catchy mainstream stuff.
3. Mia Michaels.
She's emotional, honest, and works tirelessly to help make her art form the best it can be. I think we could talk some serious shit, and crack each other up right around cocktail number four.
4. Nathan Fillion.
One of the most underrated actors working today. He doesn't get noticed, because he makes it look real. It can't be coincidence that he's shown up in a lot of my favorite stuff, from Firefly to Slither to Lost.
5. Jamie Lee Curtis.
She spoke her mind about the entertainment industry's unrealistic images of beauty without sounding strident or desperate for a cause-related spotlight. Plus, she's down with Christopher Guest, one of the most subtly funny men alive, AND she was a scream queen who successfully made the jump to rightfully lauded wider-appeal roles. Actually, just having been in A Fish Called Wanda is enough to make my Beer List, anyway.
6. Dave Foley.
Derf. The drinkingest member of the most screamingly clever sketch-comedy troupe since Python? I'm always gonna wonder if he really was as smashed as he seemed on Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown if I don't get to ask.
7. Neil Gaiman.
There's just something about the way he talks about his own writing, and writing in general - a mix of the casual, technical and spiritual - that makes me think we'd click. Not sure he drinks, though.
8. Johnette Napolitano.
I did a great interview with her several years ago, during one of Concrete Blonde's latter-years tours. She was taking a break from yard work, which seemed so anathema to her L.A. post-punk-poet image and completely endeared her to me. She just seems like a really interesting woman. (Side Note: After the piece ran, a guy called me and told me he was her biggest fan, and how he and his wife had named their daughter after her, and asked if I could arrange for them to meet her at a show. I called her management, and they made it happen; the guy sent me photos, and I felt good, like I had helped make his once-in-a-lifetime dream come true. The next year, when Concrete Blonde came through town again, the guy got back in touch, basically assuming that since I'd helped him out before that I owed it to him to get him tickets and backstage passes the next time around. God, what a dick. Why do some people look at something nice, and say, 'wow, that's really nice, wouldn't it be neat if I pissed all over it?')
9. Matthew McConaughey.
Do Wooderson! Do Wooderson! Do Wooderson! No, seriously, I like the way he just lives his life, celebrity or no. And I'm at least as much a Texan as I am a Floridian. Plus, he's got a surprisingly indie-rock-looking website.
10. Caroline Rhea.
This one's tough to explain. It would be like hanging out with the edgy woman in your mom's group of friends, the one the rest of 'em talk about when she's not around. And she knows, and doesn't care, because she's sucking the marrow. What can I say? She's not "comedian funny," she's just funny. She's got that glint in her eye, and she can probably drink me under the table. Again, it's weird, I know. Who said that? I am not in love with Caroline Rhea.
People give him shit about what they perceive to be his shtick, but Chef Bourdain knows who he is, and what his passions are. Hey Anthony - I can travel abroad without coming off like an asshole, cook and eat like somebody who knows what they're doing, and drink like a Replacement. Hit me up.
2. Johnny Depp.
Depp's acting reflects my own attitudes toward music. He can make obscure and weird feel truly human, and he can bring his own personality to big, catchy mainstream stuff.
3. Mia Michaels.
She's emotional, honest, and works tirelessly to help make her art form the best it can be. I think we could talk some serious shit, and crack each other up right around cocktail number four.
4. Nathan Fillion.
One of the most underrated actors working today. He doesn't get noticed, because he makes it look real. It can't be coincidence that he's shown up in a lot of my favorite stuff, from Firefly to Slither to Lost.
5. Jamie Lee Curtis.
She spoke her mind about the entertainment industry's unrealistic images of beauty without sounding strident or desperate for a cause-related spotlight. Plus, she's down with Christopher Guest, one of the most subtly funny men alive, AND she was a scream queen who successfully made the jump to rightfully lauded wider-appeal roles. Actually, just having been in A Fish Called Wanda is enough to make my Beer List, anyway.
6. Dave Foley.
Derf. The drinkingest member of the most screamingly clever sketch-comedy troupe since Python? I'm always gonna wonder if he really was as smashed as he seemed on Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown if I don't get to ask.
7. Neil Gaiman.
There's just something about the way he talks about his own writing, and writing in general - a mix of the casual, technical and spiritual - that makes me think we'd click. Not sure he drinks, though.
8. Johnette Napolitano.
I did a great interview with her several years ago, during one of Concrete Blonde's latter-years tours. She was taking a break from yard work, which seemed so anathema to her L.A. post-punk-poet image and completely endeared her to me. She just seems like a really interesting woman. (Side Note: After the piece ran, a guy called me and told me he was her biggest fan, and how he and his wife had named their daughter after her, and asked if I could arrange for them to meet her at a show. I called her management, and they made it happen; the guy sent me photos, and I felt good, like I had helped make his once-in-a-lifetime dream come true. The next year, when Concrete Blonde came through town again, the guy got back in touch, basically assuming that since I'd helped him out before that I owed it to him to get him tickets and backstage passes the next time around. God, what a dick. Why do some people look at something nice, and say, 'wow, that's really nice, wouldn't it be neat if I pissed all over it?')
9. Matthew McConaughey.
Do Wooderson! Do Wooderson! Do Wooderson! No, seriously, I like the way he just lives his life, celebrity or no. And I'm at least as much a Texan as I am a Floridian. Plus, he's got a surprisingly indie-rock-looking website.
10. Caroline Rhea.
This one's tough to explain. It would be like hanging out with the edgy woman in your mom's group of friends, the one the rest of 'em talk about when she's not around. And she knows, and doesn't care, because she's sucking the marrow. What can I say? She's not "comedian funny," she's just funny. She's got that glint in her eye, and she can probably drink me under the table. Again, it's weird, I know. Who said that? I am not in love with Caroline Rhea.
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This is why we are friends. (Except I'd replace #8 for Mandy Moore.)
And David Cross probably wouldn't like me, so he's not on my list, either.