Ask The Bitter, Aging Hipster: '80s Treats, So-Called Meats
The Bitter, Aging Hipster is nearing 40. He no longer enjoys the
lavish attentions of the music, film and energy drink industries. (He
actually thinks the energy drink industry has something to do with
magic, or voodoo, or some shit.) But despite his anger at the
unavoidable realization that he's no longer ad candy, the B,AH feels he
has wisdom to pass on to the next generation of vapid, trendy,
self-absorbed teens and twentysomethings who express their
individuality by firmly entrenching themselves within a uniform group
of like-minded kids who somehow still think they're all alone and
misunderstood in the big bad world. So, every week, he answers two
made-up questions about Living In The Mainstream While Still Pretending
To Be Original with warmth, understanding and love. Except without
those three things.Dear B, AH,
Obviously, you like old shit, and hate new shit. I like some old shit that somehow stays cool (or becomes cool again) myself. But isn't it weird how some old shit that stays cool is actually cool, and some of it just completely sucks and should've died a painful death and stayed buried? I mean, what the hell's up with Teen Wolf? Why do 21-year-olds like me even know Teen Wolf? A-Team good. Teen Wolf bad. So who decides what deserves to be remembered or even loved? Is there a mathematical formula? It seems too random. But seriously, Teen Wolf sucks. Miami Vice too.
Anachronistic Anarchist
Dear AA (shudder),
You kind of answered your own question there at the end. Yes, Teen Wolf does suck, but Miami Vice rules, and you're a cretin for not recognizing that fact. See, old shit endures for many different reasons, but it usually endures because it's a perfect example of something, even if that something is no bueno. Teen Wolf is a perfect example of an '80s "high school loser finding himself" movie that tried so hard to find a new angle, it went completely batshit off the map; it jumped that shark with such lunatic enthusiasm that it earned immortality on the strength of what-the-fuck context alone. Miami Vice is a perfect example of a radical redefinition of genre - what if cops drove Ferraris and dressed like sherbet and lived beyond their means and had their own personal moral crises? - and also an unmatched celebration of stylization over substance. Basically, it doesn't matter if it's good or bad; if it's archetypal or definitive in some way, we're gonna have to deal with it forever. Seriously, you think Miami Vice sucks? Puree your own gonads/ladyparts.
Dear B, HA,
Is spam the e-mail named after Spam the meat? Why?
rufusxaviersasparilla
Dear rufusxaviersasparilla,
Who the hell am I, Cecil Adams? But since you asked, I'll give it to you, ahem, straight, as opposed to sending you to some wrong-ass Wikipedia entry and using this valuable slice of my time to find an original Game Boy on Ebay or watch some tasteful porn that doesn't resemble a visit to some OB-GYN clinic where the doctor looks like that idiot from Mindfreak and makes ladies apply landscaping tools to other ladies' nethers. Yes, spam is named after Spam, because they're both deceptive, substitutions, not what they appear to be. E-mail spam appears to be a meaningful message sent specifically to you by someone who hypothetically knows you and has your best interests at heart; edible Spam appears to be a tasty, satisfying meat dish that will provide all the flavor and nutrients of other meat dishes. E-mail spam isn't a message from a trusted friend, and edible Spam isn't ... food, in the strictest sense of the word. They're both disingenuous filler, is I guess the best way to say it.
A couple of pretty insightful questions. Maybe the future isn't completely buggered.
Dear B, HA,
Is spam the e-mail named after Spam the meat? Why?
rufusxaviersasparilla
Dear rufusxaviersasparilla,
Who the hell am I, Cecil Adams? But since you asked, I'll give it to you, ahem, straight, as opposed to sending you to some wrong-ass Wikipedia entry and using this valuable slice of my time to find an original Game Boy on Ebay or watch some tasteful porn that doesn't resemble a visit to some OB-GYN clinic where the doctor looks like that idiot from Mindfreak and makes ladies apply landscaping tools to other ladies' nethers. Yes, spam is named after Spam, because they're both deceptive, substitutions, not what they appear to be. E-mail spam appears to be a meaningful message sent specifically to you by someone who hypothetically knows you and has your best interests at heart; edible Spam appears to be a tasty, satisfying meat dish that will provide all the flavor and nutrients of other meat dishes. E-mail spam isn't a message from a trusted friend, and edible Spam isn't ... food, in the strictest sense of the word. They're both disingenuous filler, is I guess the best way to say it.
A couple of pretty insightful questions. Maybe the future isn't completely buggered.
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At first I became extremely angry for the 'Miami Vice sucks' comment but was proud the B,AH fought back. Miami Vice RULES! Teen Wolf though, c'mon. You can honestly say you weren't cheering for Scott Howard when he demanded that keg of beer...and got it?