New Feature: Ask The Bitter, Aging Hipster
The Bitter, Aging Hipster is nearing 40. He no longer enjoys the lavish attentions of the music, film and energy drink industries. (He actually thinks the energy drink industry has something to do with magic, or voodoo, or some shit.) But despite his anger at the unavoidable realization that he's no longer ad candy, the B,AH feels he has wisdom to pass on to the next generation of vapid, trendy, self-absorbed teens and twentysomethings who express their individuality by firmly entrenching themselves within a uniform group of like-minded kids who somehow still think they're all alone and misunderstood in the big bad world. So, every week, he answers two made-up questions about Living In The Mainstream While Still Pretending To Be Original with warmth, understanding and love. Except without those three things.Dear B,AH,
I like a lot of screamo and hardcore bands, but lately I can't help but feel like they all sound the same. Am I crazy? Which screamo band best embodies my own disenfranchisement, homicidal fantasies and sense of self?
KingCutter89
Dear KingCutter89,
That's actually two questions, but as I've got a lot of time on my hands since I stopped getting invited to the Take Action Tour, I'll overlook it. Let's address them in the order in which they've been presented, shall we?
1. All screamo bands do sound alike and yes, you're crazy. You're crazy for having listened to enough screamo to discern that it's all the same thing. Back in my day, we had hardcore and death metal and posthardcore, and they were all different - I had stuff to listen to whether I felt depressed or Satanic or anti-political or in the mood for a big ol' homoerotic bro-slam, and never the different moods shall meet. Now, you've got crap that's catchy and guttural, and I weep for whoever has to read your (Live)journals after the need to define how you feel finally snaps under the weight of the ambiguity, and you're beaten to death by a gaggle of crying, Rubenesque female poets after you jump onstage during a Thursday show and attempt to strangle Geoff for not being specific enough about his genre affiliation.
2. Without knowing more about you, I can't say exactly which screamo band resonates most closely with your own particular brand of I'm All Alone/I'd Love to Kill My Girlfriend/I'm Looking for Anything that Everybody Else Hates pathology. In such cases, I always recommend Every Time I Die, in the fervent hope that some kid somewhere will cultivate a decent sense of humor.
Dear B,AH,
Now that the age of the movie star, like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, has passed, who do you think might emerge as the new film-idol paradigm - Emile Hirsch or Shia LaBeouf?
CineGoon
Dear Cinegoon,
The film industry is indeed changing, and yours is an interesting question. But since both the actors you mention are young enough to be my nephews, I'm gonna have to go ahead and suggest that you kill yourself.
That's actually two questions, but as I've got a lot of time on my hands since I stopped getting invited to the Take Action Tour, I'll overlook it. Let's address them in the order in which they've been presented, shall we?
1. All screamo bands do sound alike and yes, you're crazy. You're crazy for having listened to enough screamo to discern that it's all the same thing. Back in my day, we had hardcore and death metal and posthardcore, and they were all different - I had stuff to listen to whether I felt depressed or Satanic or anti-political or in the mood for a big ol' homoerotic bro-slam, and never the different moods shall meet. Now, you've got crap that's catchy and guttural, and I weep for whoever has to read your (Live)journals after the need to define how you feel finally snaps under the weight of the ambiguity, and you're beaten to death by a gaggle of crying, Rubenesque female poets after you jump onstage during a Thursday show and attempt to strangle Geoff for not being specific enough about his genre affiliation.
2. Without knowing more about you, I can't say exactly which screamo band resonates most closely with your own particular brand of I'm All Alone/I'd Love to Kill My Girlfriend/I'm Looking for Anything that Everybody Else Hates pathology. In such cases, I always recommend Every Time I Die, in the fervent hope that some kid somewhere will cultivate a decent sense of humor.
Dear B,AH,
Now that the age of the movie star, like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, has passed, who do you think might emerge as the new film-idol paradigm - Emile Hirsch or Shia LaBeouf?
CineGoon
Dear Cinegoon,
The film industry is indeed changing, and yours is an interesting question. But since both the actors you mention are young enough to be my nephews, I'm gonna have to go ahead and suggest that you kill yourself.
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