Briefly: On The Subject of the Prom Night Remake

Hello, what the hell is this? I can understand such classics as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween being remade - after all, they're iconic films, and Gus Van Zant's loving shot-for-shot retooling of Psycho was such a rousing success. And the fanboys love it when you screw their touchstones up all to hell. But Prom Night was a nothing little slasher flick; it only affected me because it was the first uncut horror movie I saw in all its flawed, gory glory at a completely inappropriate age. For me, that severed head rolling across the dance floor is iconic. And we're not going to get that shit with a PG-13 remake staffed with pretty people willing to do pretty much anything short of blowing Satan Himself in order to make the jump from reality TV/the CW lineup (on many levels, they're pretty much the same) to features.

Truthfully, I don't really care that much about the Prom Night. I'll always have the moment I had the crap scared out of me during Hurricane David, ensconced in the master bedroom while my parents threw a fondue party.

But I'm worried about where it will end.

And when the Near Dark remake comes out and pisses all over the original - and it will - I'll be seriously thinking about kneecapping Platinum Dunes. I'll totally fart in their elevator, or Shoe Goo Michael Bay's keyholes, or something.