Ask The Bitter, Aging Hipster: On Just Doing It, Already
The Bitter, Aging Hipster is nearing 40. He no longer enjoys the
lavish attentions of the music, film and energy drink industries. (He
actually thinks the energy drink industry has something to do with
magic, or voodoo, or some shit.) But despite his anger at the
unavoidable realization that he's no longer ad candy, the B,AH feels he
has wisdom to pass on to the next generation of vapid, trendy,
self-absorbed teens and twentysomethings who express their
individuality by firmly entrenching themselves within a uniform group
of like-minded kids who somehow still think they're all alone and
misunderstood in the big bad world. So, every week, he answers two
made-up questions about Living In The Mainstream While Still Pretending
To Be Original with warmth, understanding and love. Except without
those three things.
Dear B, AH,
I want to be able to land ollie inward heelflips on flat consistently before I start trying them down stairs or off ledges. But I haven't ever landed one. Every time I try, the board doesn't get all the way around, and I land on the side and roll my ankles. I think jumping down something might give the board enough time to finish flipping. Should I just go for it, or keep trying on flat until I can land them?
Bakerulz
Dear B, AH,
I want to be able to land ollie inward heelflips on flat consistently before I start trying them down stairs or off ledges. But I haven't ever landed one. Every time I try, the board doesn't get all the way around, and I land on the side and roll my ankles. I think jumping down something might give the board enough time to finish flipping. Should I just go for it, or keep trying on flat until I can land them?
Bakerulz
Dear Bakerulz,
Inward heelflip? Is that like a kickflip? I'll bet you can't even frontside rock a mini-ramp, or grind a painted curb that hasn't been waxed to the point where it shines like a Broyhill armoire and feels like a freshly powdered baby's ass. How about grabbing the nose and giving it a wrench? Of course not, skating today is like preparing for life after a disfiguring industrial accident. You use your hands more playing soccer. Yeah, I think jumping down something might help solve your problem. The Empire State Building ought to give your board plenty of time to make it all the way around.
Dear B, AH,
My girlfriend wants us to have sex. She's done it a bunch of times, but I never have, and I'm afraid I won't be any good, so I keep making excuses to put it off. We're both 16, I don't see what the big rush is, but if I don't give in soon she won't have any problem finding somebody else who wants to. What should I do?
WorriedVirgin92
Dear WorriedVirgin92,
Cripes. The ONE good thing about being a kid in the new millennium, and you're blowing it. Look, contrary to popular perception, almost everybody is bad at sex the first time. Your girlfriend probably hasn't had good sex yet, unless somebody's been breaking the hell out of age-of-consent laws. If you decide to go for it, don't get hung up on performance, just try to make sure you both enjoy it for what it is, instead of worrying what it isn't. Everybody has a first time, and only one first time. Oh, and try to think about anything other than what's happening while it's happening. Think about, shit, I don't know - think about how to land an ollie inward heelflip. Whatever the hell that is.
Inward heelflip? Is that like a kickflip? I'll bet you can't even frontside rock a mini-ramp, or grind a painted curb that hasn't been waxed to the point where it shines like a Broyhill armoire and feels like a freshly powdered baby's ass. How about grabbing the nose and giving it a wrench? Of course not, skating today is like preparing for life after a disfiguring industrial accident. You use your hands more playing soccer. Yeah, I think jumping down something might help solve your problem. The Empire State Building ought to give your board plenty of time to make it all the way around.
Dear B, AH,
My girlfriend wants us to have sex. She's done it a bunch of times, but I never have, and I'm afraid I won't be any good, so I keep making excuses to put it off. We're both 16, I don't see what the big rush is, but if I don't give in soon she won't have any problem finding somebody else who wants to. What should I do?
WorriedVirgin92
Dear WorriedVirgin92,
Cripes. The ONE good thing about being a kid in the new millennium, and you're blowing it. Look, contrary to popular perception, almost everybody is bad at sex the first time. Your girlfriend probably hasn't had good sex yet, unless somebody's been breaking the hell out of age-of-consent laws. If you decide to go for it, don't get hung up on performance, just try to make sure you both enjoy it for what it is, instead of worrying what it isn't. Everybody has a first time, and only one first time. Oh, and try to think about anything other than what's happening while it's happening. Think about, shit, I don't know - think about how to land an ollie inward heelflip. Whatever the hell that is.
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