Really, Really Bad Movies I Love, And Own: Deep Blue Sea
I enjoy great film. Seriously, I really do - didn't you notice how I didn't make the "film" plural? That denotes inherent snootery.
But I also love shitty movies. Not shitty movies with absolutely no redeeming values, mind you; there's no room in my brain or DVD collection for the Rush Hour movies, or Delta Farce (if you enjoyed Delta Farce, I've got a garage and a custom-cut length of garden hose waiting for you, your car and your favorite mix tape), or any African-American comedian in a fat suit, or even Plan 9 From Outer Space, which deserves none of the campy, ironic accolades afforded it. Having said that, however, there are flicks in my entertainment center that no one will admit to enjoying except me. Lots of 'em, actually. But there are reasons why I like each and every one of them - mitigating circumstances, if you will, that I feel raise them above the the status of the merely Eszterhasian. They're bad movies, sure, but there's something about them that's interesting or engaging or hilarious enough to make them worth a second or seventh or thirty-third look; it's like a car wreck where there's all kinds of impressive damage, but nobody gets hurt.
So I'm going to champion these, erm, champion-less, differently abled motion pictures here at dirtytricks until I run out of movies, or my attention wanders, or Becks tells me that people are openly mocking her at work. Click through to read the first run-down, on about the ninety-second movie to put a "twist" on Jaws:
But I also love shitty movies. Not shitty movies with absolutely no redeeming values, mind you; there's no room in my brain or DVD collection for the Rush Hour movies, or Delta Farce (if you enjoyed Delta Farce, I've got a garage and a custom-cut length of garden hose waiting for you, your car and your favorite mix tape), or any African-American comedian in a fat suit, or even Plan 9 From Outer Space, which deserves none of the campy, ironic accolades afforded it. Having said that, however, there are flicks in my entertainment center that no one will admit to enjoying except me. Lots of 'em, actually. But there are reasons why I like each and every one of them - mitigating circumstances, if you will, that I feel raise them above the the status of the merely Eszterhasian. They're bad movies, sure, but there's something about them that's interesting or engaging or hilarious enough to make them worth a second or seventh or thirty-third look; it's like a car wreck where there's all kinds of impressive damage, but nobody gets hurt.
So I'm going to champion these, erm, champion-less, differently abled motion pictures here at dirtytricks until I run out of movies, or my attention wanders, or Becks tells me that people are openly mocking her at work. Click through to read the first run-down, on about the ninety-second movie to put a "twist" on Jaws:
Movie: Deep Blue Sea, 1999
Plot: Pretty much the classic '50s monster-movie scenario - Scientists Play God, But Somehow Overlook The Obvious. A group of eggheads violates anti-cloning laws, breeding sharks with larger brains in order to extract more of a protein/enzyme/whofuckingcares that might cure Alzheimer's Disease. As a side effect, the sharks get smarter, and kill Samuel L. Jackson along with a bunch of people you've never heard of.
Five Reasons Why It's Watchable:
1. Four words - sharks with human brains. If you're not a sucker for a shark flick, you're probably female, or too young to remember the initial impact of Jaws. I thought they were gonna come up through the drain at the bottom of our swimming pool, for Chrissakes. And these sharks, why, didn't you hear me? They've got human freakin' brains.
2. This movie has the iron-clad balls to kill off the only marquee name in the cast - an African-American guy who's lived through pretty much everything since being offed by Gary Oldman as a bit player in True Romance - right off the bat. In favor of letting L. L. Cool J live.
3. Thomas Jane. There's something amazing about this talented actor's inexplicably quick trajectory from indie ensemble player/buzzworthy name to shlock king. Bad career choices? The whim of Satan? The Punisher? Ding! Ding! Ding! But he's watchable. And he's very handsome. Thomas Jane is on my list. You know the list I'm talking about; it's the list every straight guy has that Chris Cornell was on in the '90s.
4. The movie is, at its heart, a quasi-real-world take on the eternally copied Alien archetype - a small group of people, trapped in a space they can't leave, hunted by something. And nearly all of those films, including the hilariously bad Death Machine (featuring Brad Dourif, who's been in almost as many bad movies as Eric Roberts and Lance Henrikson put together, and still kicked ass in Deadwood), are watchable on some level.
5. See Number 1. Sharks with fuckin' human brains!
Plot: Pretty much the classic '50s monster-movie scenario - Scientists Play God, But Somehow Overlook The Obvious. A group of eggheads violates anti-cloning laws, breeding sharks with larger brains in order to extract more of a protein/enzyme/whofuckingcares that might cure Alzheimer's Disease. As a side effect, the sharks get smarter, and kill Samuel L. Jackson along with a bunch of people you've never heard of.
Five Reasons Why It's Watchable:
1. Four words - sharks with human brains. If you're not a sucker for a shark flick, you're probably female, or too young to remember the initial impact of Jaws. I thought they were gonna come up through the drain at the bottom of our swimming pool, for Chrissakes. And these sharks, why, didn't you hear me? They've got human freakin' brains.
2. This movie has the iron-clad balls to kill off the only marquee name in the cast - an African-American guy who's lived through pretty much everything since being offed by Gary Oldman as a bit player in True Romance - right off the bat. In favor of letting L. L. Cool J live.
3. Thomas Jane. There's something amazing about this talented actor's inexplicably quick trajectory from indie ensemble player/buzzworthy name to shlock king. Bad career choices? The whim of Satan? The Punisher? Ding! Ding! Ding! But he's watchable. And he's very handsome. Thomas Jane is on my list. You know the list I'm talking about; it's the list every straight guy has that Chris Cornell was on in the '90s.
4. The movie is, at its heart, a quasi-real-world take on the eternally copied Alien archetype - a small group of people, trapped in a space they can't leave, hunted by something. And nearly all of those films, including the hilariously bad Death Machine (featuring Brad Dourif, who's been in almost as many bad movies as Eric Roberts and Lance Henrikson put together, and still kicked ass in Deadwood), are watchable on some level.
5. See Number 1. Sharks with fuckin' human brains!
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I own Journey - Live on DVD. Not to mention, my wife owns The Magic Unicorn on both VHS and DVD.