On My Rolling My Own Smokes
So, several months ago, I forsook (is that right?) filtered, prepackaged smokes in favor of rolling my own. I had several reasons for doing so, none of which had to do with affectation. (Tip for the kids, at my age, you don't look like the angry anti-corporate loner polluting your lungs with non-corporate carcinogens, you're just another old man at the bar with a weird pouch and a ritual.) Like that time on Friends when Joey had Chandler get into the box, my reasons were threefold:
Expense. Hey, I'm getting married in a bit, which means I need to squeeze every penny. (Read: My groomsmen might be paying for my flight to Vegas, but I'm going to have to lose my own money at the roulette table. Also, there are centerpieces to pay for, or something.) And a tin of tobacco lasts me twice as long as a carton of smokes, at half the price.
Flavor. Contrary to what visual logic and that time you had a Pall Mall might tell you, home-rolled tobacco is a smoother and lighter-tasting smoke than Marlboros. I don't know if it's the dreaded Big Tobacco additives or what, but an unfiltered Drum or Bali Shag smoke weighs less heavily on these veteran lungs than your average top-notch brand.
I'm going to quit, I swear. Smoking home-rolled cigs means smoking less. I'm not yet ready to quit altogether - though that's the goal - but I'm smoking, like, ten thin, delicious, retarded-looking coffin nails a day. And I'm splitting cigarettes up over the course of the day. It beats jogging.
There have been drawbacks, however. And they're really fucking irritating.
Expense. Hey, I'm getting married in a bit, which means I need to squeeze every penny. (Read: My groomsmen might be paying for my flight to Vegas, but I'm going to have to lose my own money at the roulette table. Also, there are centerpieces to pay for, or something.) And a tin of tobacco lasts me twice as long as a carton of smokes, at half the price.
Flavor. Contrary to what visual logic and that time you had a Pall Mall might tell you, home-rolled tobacco is a smoother and lighter-tasting smoke than Marlboros. I don't know if it's the dreaded Big Tobacco additives or what, but an unfiltered Drum or Bali Shag smoke weighs less heavily on these veteran lungs than your average top-notch brand.
I'm going to quit, I swear. Smoking home-rolled cigs means smoking less. I'm not yet ready to quit altogether - though that's the goal - but I'm smoking, like, ten thin, delicious, retarded-looking coffin nails a day. And I'm splitting cigarettes up over the course of the day. It beats jogging.
There have been drawbacks, however. And they're really fucking irritating.
There are two major drawbacks to Ravis' "Hey, Maybe This Will Eventually Be Embarrassing Beyond Viability" approach to smoking, and they're why I've asked you here tonight.
The first major drawback has to do with the fact that when some people see a dude rolling his own smoke, they want one. Hello ladies and Joran, it's not magic, I just bought tobacco and papers instead of a pack of Camel Lights. It's not a parlor trick, it's me smoking. I'm not a cigarette dispenser. I'm a handsome philosopher with a score to settle. Once you learn to twist one up, the scores you settle are your own. Get that Irish Car Bomb rockin', and maybe I can help you.
(But probably not. If a drunk man rolling a cigarette is so compelling to you, then you've missed out on a lot. It happens all the time. Just like whatever happened to you. I'll show you where you can sell some plasma, but we have to work it out so we show up on different days.)
Anyway, quit bothering me for smokes. I have to make them.
The second drawback is even worse, because it apparently gives everyone in the world an opportunity to (not) be witty. The second drawback is POT JOKES. Quit making POT JOKES. You're not the fifth person to see me rolling a cigarette and say something like 'hey man, you can't just smoke up right here' or 'dude, put the green stuff away'; you're not even the five hundredth. I appreciate the fact that you're trying to make conversation, and make a connection. But seriously, keep it to yourself. It was funny two hundred NASCAR laps ago. I've heard it. I'm just trying to keep from killing you, get it?
The first major drawback has to do with the fact that when some people see a dude rolling his own smoke, they want one. Hello ladies and Joran, it's not magic, I just bought tobacco and papers instead of a pack of Camel Lights. It's not a parlor trick, it's me smoking. I'm not a cigarette dispenser. I'm a handsome philosopher with a score to settle. Once you learn to twist one up, the scores you settle are your own. Get that Irish Car Bomb rockin', and maybe I can help you.
(But probably not. If a drunk man rolling a cigarette is so compelling to you, then you've missed out on a lot. It happens all the time. Just like whatever happened to you. I'll show you where you can sell some plasma, but we have to work it out so we show up on different days.)
Anyway, quit bothering me for smokes. I have to make them.
The second drawback is even worse, because it apparently gives everyone in the world an opportunity to (not) be witty. The second drawback is POT JOKES. Quit making POT JOKES. You're not the fifth person to see me rolling a cigarette and say something like 'hey man, you can't just smoke up right here' or 'dude, put the green stuff away'; you're not even the five hundredth. I appreciate the fact that you're trying to make conversation, and make a connection. But seriously, keep it to yourself. It was funny two hundred NASCAR laps ago. I've heard it. I'm just trying to keep from killing you, get it?
Leave a comment